every year, the night before....

Here I am again, in the same emotional state as I was exactly 365 days ago. And the year before that. And the year before that. Today is the eve of my only child's birthday. My Abigail. Tomorrow she will be 8. Every year, the night before her birthday, I sit alone and reminisce the year before.... and force myself to accept that my baby girl is a year older. One more year closer to leaving the nest. One more entire year, has slipped by in the blink of an eye.... Then the waterworks come. I do this alone of course and I have never missed this occasion on any July 30th since my baby was born. But I wonder if I'm destined to do this for the rest of my life and I wonder if other moms do it too? Abby is probably the only child I will ever bring into this world (health issues). I watch everyday life turn into nothing more than tomorrow's "memories"....

I loved being pregnant with Abigail. I was very content with my hands on my swollen belly feeling her move and kick around as if we were already together even though I couldn't see her. When she was born, I felt like I truly started living. My entire life has revolved around her since she was born and I don't regret a minute of it. I finally began to understand things my father had always said to me about how I broke his heart without even meaning to. The first time I heard the words "I got it mommy it's ok, I don't need your help anymore",...... I clenched my jaw and fought back the tears and allowed myself a bitter sweet smile. I was glad she was learning from me, but sad at the same time to watch each phase of her young childhood years come to an end. I miss when she was a newborn and I would nurse her to sleep while I petted her back and kissed her little forehead. I miss when she was 1 and she said "mama... I yuva yew!" (I love you )... I miss the time when she was 2 and she toddled off to play from cuddle time and exclaimed "I love you mommy! and chicken nuggets!". I miss when she was 3 and we were in the mall and she said "mommy i just like to hold your hand, it feels nice". I miss when she was 4 and she was "taking care" of me because I had a headache. She got me an ice pack and "petted" my head like I was the baby lol. I miss when she was 5 and she said "mommy, did you know that you're my bestest friend?" (but she was very serious like it was important to her that I knew). I miss when she was 6 and she got frustrated and first said "dude!" (I laughed so hard because thats my expression lol) I miss this last year watching all the changes she's gone through turning from a little girl into a young lady..... and now.... she's turning 8..... I anxiously anticipate what this next year will bring. I'm excited and a little scared....

I'm amazed at how quickly she learns things that I never expected her to understand. Very proud of her compassion for others. Her ability to forgive (I could take a good lesson from her in that). I adore her sense of humor as it evolves with her growing wit. I'm very grateful for the way she loves me for being the silly, quirky, emotional person that I am. She's the honey to my tea!

I wonder what she'll be when she is all grown up. Not that I want her grow up, I'm no where near ready for that, but I can't help but wonder who she'll be someday..... I hope she has more than I do by time she's my age, I hope she's seen more of the world, and I hope she's not afraid to reach for the stars like I used to be.....

This year the night before her birthday she is nearly up to my shoulder in height. She has recently ditched her former tomboy wardrobe for a more grown up feminine version of herself. She likes to spend her afternoons riding her bike and her evenings with her nose in a good book. I look at that little girl and I see myself 23 years ago.... just with a different hair and eye color lol.

My parents came down last night and spent the night with us and we had a little party for her, so we already did presents and cake and ice cream, so I have a picture of my ever growing girl to share already.

I love you Abby girl! Happy Birthday Baby!

P.S. I love YOU ... and chicken nuggets!